Posted - 08 Dec 2004 : 23:55:13
| If Jesus Had Lived Under the U.S. Government
Bethlehem, Judea - DFYS were called in by a concerned citizen who
noticed that a family was staying in a barn. Upon arrival, they took
into care a minor child, Jesus Nazarene, who had been placed in a
feeding trough by his mother, Mary Nazarene. The intervention was not
without some incident, as the boy's father, Joseph Nazarene attempted
to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by several farm workers and
some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to assist the
minor child, but were all restrained by the police.
The INS and DEA is seeking more information about the three foreigners,
as they were found without papers, and in possession of gold and drugs.
Meanwhile, the Hotel Manager who owned the barn is being questioned,
and faces possible revocation of his licence for the inadequate
accomodations. Civil authorities are also investigating the zoning
violations involved in maintaining livestock in a commercially zoned
The location of the minor child will not be released, and the prospect
for a quick resolution to this case seem small. Asked about when Jesus
would be returned to his parents, a DFYS spokesperson said, "The father
is unemployed, the mother underage, and while they claim to be married,
Lord knows who authorized that! We are petitioning to have him
arrested for statutory rape - I mean, the mother's only 14! Further,
the mother has not coped well with the emotional strain, she claims she
has never had sex, and that the child is of a god - clearly she has
some denial issues."
But it may be more then that. Shortly after Joseph was in fact
arrested on molestation charges, local police escorted Mary to the
psychiatric wing of Bethlehem General for a 72 hour evaluation. "I
don't profess to have the right to tell people what to believe", said
the psychiatrist on duty, "but when their beliefs adversely affect the
safety and well-being of others, in this case her child, we must
consider her a danger to others. The drugs at the scene didn't help
her case either, but I'm confidant that with the proper therapy regimen
we can get her back on her feet."
The intervention of two Federal Agencies, a State Agency, local law
enforcement, and several business regulatory agencies at all levels
seems overwhelming for one family of three, but as a spokesperson for
the Governor's Office said, "Who knows what was going through their
heads? But regardless, their treatment of the child was inexcusable,
and the involvement of these others frightening. We seem to have
kicked over a stone here, and for the sake of the child and the public,
will pursue this one to the end."
Judea - A local cult is under suspicion of kidnapping when it was found
that a runaway child, Jesus Nazarene, was in fact in their "temple"
surrounded by a crowd of older men. While they insist that they were
doing nothing wrong, nor holding the 12 year old boy against his will,
local agencies are suspicious. "They said the kid was 'teaching'
them.", said a State Trooper spokesperson, "But what these middle aged
men were learning from this boy is more then I care to dwell on."
This is the second time young Jesus has been the focus of such
attention. He had previously been taken from his parents in the
Christmas Eve Debacle in which several agencies were involved
investigating his parents, their friends, and a local Hotel Owner, for
suspicion of a variety of local, state, and federal charges. He was
ultimately reunited with his mother when she was released from a local
hospital having completed therapy for drugs and co-dependency. His
father, Joseph Nazarene, though the mother denies he's the father,
received one year for statutory rape, and has since divorced Mary and
moved to his hometown, where he is a member of the Carpenter's Union.
Judea - Jesus Nazarene is in the news again after a 19 year hiatus.
Jesus, now 31, has come under investigation from a variety of agencies
for his recent outbreak of bizarre activities. He has been under
investigation from the Alcoholic Beverages Commission for the illegal
distilling of spirits which he then distributed at a wedding party,
with no liquor license. He is under fire from state regulatory
agencies and the AMA for practicing medicine without a license.
A local law enforcement agency is also investigatin reports of Jesus
creating a new cult, one in which people are encouraged to abandon
their wives, husbands, parents, even children. "You must hate your
parents if you follow me.", Jesus is reported to have said. He has
also been looked at as the source of labor unrest in the area,
allegedly telling several fisherman to conduct a 'wildcat strike' and
join his cult instead.
Tax and Business agencies are also looking into how a man with no
visible means of support has supported catering endeavors of up to
5,000 people, feeding them all, at no charge - and with no license to
do so, nor permit for doing so outside.
"What can I say?", said the Governor's spokesperson, "Look at his home
environment, his upbringing, and the run in's he's been involved in
before. He's a ticking time bomb, and it's amazing we haven't heard
more from him till now." He refered to several bizarre incidents in
Jesus's childhood involving drug smuggling, statutory rape, abduction
by a cult, and regulatory offenses that surrounded Jesus, his parents,
their friends, a local businessman, and a local cult.
Judea - Revolutionary terrorist, Jesus Nazarene, has been taken into
custody, after a tense and armed stand off with his cultic followers.
Peter Rock, an aide of this terrorist, was also arrested for cutting
off an ear of a Federal Agent. Many law enforcement personnel were
hurt, all with damaged ribs, from a weapon of unknown design and
location, possibly ultrasonic.
The tip to Jesus's whereabouts came from local man Judas Iscariot, who
was given the $300 reward for calling CrimeStopper's toll free hotline.
Jesus Nazarene had entered the city early Thursday, causing widespread
riots and unrest, as thousands of anarchic protesters littered the
streets with palm leaves to show support. Notwithstanding his appeal
to various disaffected elements in society, he and his gang quickly hid
themselves in an upper room of a local hotel for a "Last Supper" -
clearly expecting a confrontation to come.
A maid interviewed tells horrific tales of this group of terrorists
engaging in bizarre rituals, first washing each other's feet in some
unknown ritual, then pretending that they were drinking blood and
eating raw human flesh.
Later, they went to an isolated area outside of town, where Jesus
posted guards, who fortuneately fell asleep several times, allowing law
enforcement agencies to get their men in place.
Jesus, who has been reluctant to be photographed, was identified when
Mr. Iscariot bravely volunteered to walk right up to him and "kiss him"
- a bizarre ritual that would draw little suspicion from the rest of
the all male cult.
It was then that violence erupted, when Peter Rock pulled a sword, and
cut off the ear of Agent Antonius, who is recovering in a local
hospital for injuries less severe then first thought. At the apparent
signal of Jesus's hand, some unknown device then shot all the other law
enforcement agents, though it was apparently a one shot weapon, for
there were no further incidents.
Judea - Tried and convicted, terrorist and cultic revolutionary, Jesus
Nazarene will be executed today, his last appeals ran out.
It had been speculated that his very open and public trial might result
in an acquittal, yet when polled the jury unanimously desired his
execution. This in contrast to the almost simultaneous acquittal of
local activist Barabas.
The magistrate most directly involved, Senator Pilate, apparently had
given Jesus every chance to explain his actions, so that he might be
given leniency. An aide to the Senator, speaking on condition of
anonymity, reports that Jesus attempted an insanity plea, claiming to
be a god, and also was in contempt of court, often throwing the
Senator's words back at him, saying repeatedly, "Ye have said so."
In spite of what might be construed as either an insanity defense, or a
plea of "Nolo Contendere", Jesus Nazarene was ultimately convicted
under the Patriot Act, and the Homeland Security laws, for obstruction
of justice, fomenting rebellion, creating labor unrest, inciting to
riot, vandalism of a temple, recruitment of a militia, conspiracy to
treason, assault on federal agents, and the commission of innumerable
regulatory offenses from the illegal serving of alcohol, operating a
catering business without a license, practicing medicine without a
license, and failure to file tax returns.
Judea - At midnight last night, convicted terrorist Jesus Nazarene was
executed by the electric chair. His last words, "It is finished",
brought to an end an incredible tale of deception, violence, and cultic
practices, that stretched all the way back to his birth.
While some followers of this cultic leader are still in custody in
Guantanamo Bay holding facility pending further questioning, most are
at large, including Peter Rock who may have been in the area at the
time, but was unable to be identified in time, in spite of repeated
inquiries. They have dispersed, it is suspected, to take up their
seditious activities again.
At the request of many, who fear new outbreaks from the executed
terrorist's cult, the Homeland Security Department has assigned an
Agent to oversee the complete dispersal of all these terrorist cells.
Special Agent in Charge Saul Tarsus will head the task force that
handles the logistics of this assignment.
"I will see to it that America sleeps safe. I don't care where they
go, where they hide, I will see to it that no more trouble comes from
them, if I have to walk to Damascus myself!", said Agent Tarsus,
refering to the town where it is suspected that some terrorists still
reside and plan further terrorist activities.
Notice on Origin of this original Message above
I cut the headers from the top and put them here at the bottom;
headers are here to ensure I am giving credit;
or leaving a trail for proper credit where it is due;
Git yer permits here:
For peace to prevail:
the means must sanctify the end.
From: "bodhi" <[email protected]>
Subject: If Jesus Had Lived Under The U.S. Government
Date: 8 Dec 2004 14:02:53 -0800
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The following is pretty f****** sad. oh, and happy f*****' christmas -
Posted - 10 Dec 2004 : 08:16:28
| Greetings and salutations in the name of the King,
Peace be unto the house.
How far fetched is this foregoing scenario?
Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary & Thesaurus
“…suspected of revolutionary aims as Messiah: seized by Romans but turned over to and crucified by Jewish authorities…”
Not too far off the mark we'd say. But perhaps they should have included this...
After discovery of his true identity by authorities, i.e. the name given him by his Father, the "church" and virtually all its constituents disavowed ever knowing anyone by that name, and said, "we will not have this one to rule over us...crucify him, crucify him".
fellowcitizen of the commonwealth of Yisra'el, NOT the STATE OF ISRAEL.